A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got
home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting
with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after
which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang.  “Is this the
vet?” asked an elderly lady’s voice.

“Yes, it is”, replied the vet, “Is this an emergency?”

“Well, sort of”, said the elderly lady, “there’s a whole bunch of
cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I
can’t get to sleep. What can I do about it?” 

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then
patiently replied “Open the window and tell them they’re wanted
on the phone”

“Really?” said the elderly lady, “Will that will that stop them?”

“Should do,” said the vet, “- IT STOPPED ME!”

Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon
realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he
happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a
worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him
of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no
lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer
down his throat and went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg.
Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms
in his mouth…

It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
   zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
   sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in
   front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on
   the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding
   his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady
   in the sheer dress.
  
   The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the
   poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and
   flirt w/the ape.
  
   She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
   would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
   straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he’s just about
   to tear the bars down.
  
   The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the
   thighs… this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
  
   Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
   door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, “Now, tell him
   you have a headache.”

1.  Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as
    if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, “That’s a nice
    kitty.”  Drop pill into its mouth.
2.  Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3.  Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat’s front paws down with left
    hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its
    mouth with right forefinger.
4.  Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse
    to get new cat.)
5.  Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
    bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso
    over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat’s
    mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in — quickly. Since
    your head is down by your knees, you won’t be able to see what you’re
    doing. That’s just as well.
6.  Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7.  If you’re a woman, have a good cry. If you’re a man, have a good cry.
8.  Now pull yourself together. Who’s the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat
    and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, “Who’s the boss here,
    anyway?”  Open cat’s mouth, take pill and … Ooooops!
9.  This isn’t working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing
    claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on
    floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat’s front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to
    flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man — or
    woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat’s head. Press its mouth
    at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat’s mouth and poke gently. Voila! It’s done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat’s). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.